Psyche · Shadow · Thresholds
Forgiveness and boundaries: who gets access to you?
Raquel Núñez-Alicea · Cantaora de sombras, umbrales y arquetipos
Forgiveness and boundaries can coexist. Explore trust, reconciliation and access through the raised threshold in UNWITNESSED and my workshop reflections.
Not closed. Raised. There is a difference that everything depends on.
You say you have forgiven. Then another request arrives: answer, listen, understand, make an exception. Something inside turns the request into a test of your spiritual growth.
If you have healed, why would you still need a boundary?
I want to question that premise. Forgiveness, reconciliation and renewed access involve different decisions. You can explore forgiveness while recognizing that trust would require changes you have not yet seen.
The raised threshold
“Umbral alto,” from UNWITNESSED, distinguishes between a closed door and a raised threshold. The image asks what conditions shape the way we receive what arrives.
The poem uses the language of frequency. In daily life, I bring that image into observable conduct: respect for your time, an ability to hear no, responsibility for what happened, and consistency between words and actions.
A boundary needs language. Someone cannot be expected to know your conditions merely because you have changed inwardly. A threshold might sound like: “We can discuss this, but I will end the conversation if there are insults.”
Understanding a wound does not settle the question of access
You may understand someone's history and feel compassion for them. You still have to decide how much time, intimacy, availability or responsibility you wish to share.
My notes for Cantar a los huesos pose a question about forgiveness: releasing, not letting someone in, or cutting a connection—and how to decide. The question makes room for discernment. Different relationships can call for different responses, and a response may need revisiting.
Ask whether you are choosing freely or trying to prove your goodness by restoring the same access as before.
The shadow of being the understanding one
Being the woman who understands more, tolerates more and explains everything can become an identity with little room for disagreement. Your capacity for compassion remains valuable. What happens when it starts to feel compulsory?
When someone calls your boundary unfair, do you reconsider it in light of the facts or immediately withdraw it to regain their approval? Can you allow disagreement without treating the discomfort as proof that you are wrong?
These are shadow work questions about the wish to be understood and the point where that wish begins making decisions for you.
Three decisions to consider separately
Forgiveness may be an intimate exploration of your relationship to what happened. You do not owe anyone a deadline or a public announcement.
Reconciliation involves more than one person. If you want it, ask what conversation, responsibility and observable changes would support a different relationship.
Access is specific. Someone might have access to a conversation without having access to every detail of your life. Cordiality can exist without constant availability. You can attend a gathering without resuming the role that exhausted you.
Separating these decisions makes room for a more precise response than accepting or rejecting the entire relationship at once.
Bring the threshold into a real interaction
Think of a recent request. What is being asked of you: time, silence, money, intimacy or an exception? Distinguish what you want to offer from what you fear might happen if you decline.
Write a condition that depends on your own conduct. “I will respond tomorrow.” “I can listen for twenty minutes.” “I prefer to keep that private.” A clear condition cannot guarantee agreement, but it can clarify your next action.
In my workshops, the symbol returns to daily life. The threshold appears in what you accept, what you ask before opening, and your freedom to reconsider access.
Your next question may be what would need to change for opening that door again to make sense to you.
Based on my poetry collection UNWITNESSED and the workshop materials for She Who Crosses, Cantar a los huesos and Los umbrales. A personal, symbolic approach to reflection.